big as the sky

Eco-Friendly Terrorists

And the landslide brought me down.

~Stevie Nicks

Juuuuuuust when things were getting together around here, we flushed a toilet.  An eco-friendly toilet.  With a sticky handle.  So we had an eco-friendly lake in our kitchen, dining room, entry way, and garage.  Long story short, the downstairs is moved to a warehouse, the floor is ripped out, and the insurance check is in the mail with me biting my finger nails in anticipation hoping to cover all of this.  And thinking bad thoughts about the eco-friendly inventor of the evil, lethargic, "I can't really be bothered to push toilet paper through the hole" toilet.  

BUT, we do get new floors.  Cool.  And they want to repaint, too, since they had to rip the base boards out.  I am going with blue.  It's a hard color, but I'm finding my way to the perfect one.       

So, not a lot of blogging, picture taking, musing, or sharing for the next couple/several weeks to come.  I'm too busy breathing into a paper bag and picking the glue off the bottom of my feet.  

But, just a few observations I would love to blog about, but cannot.  

* Did President Bush just grope the Olympic women's beach volleyball team?

*Is Michael Phelps human?  Dreamy, yes.  Awesome?  Totally.  But human?  Not sure.  Did you know he eats 8-10k calories a day?!?!  I love him . . . 

*Is John Edwards the smarmiest imbecile who ever lived??

Oh, one more.  Anna and I were eating breakfast together this morning.  She was smacking away with confidence and spunk when she tossed this observation out for conversation in her high pitched yet serious voice.  "Barney doesn't have shoulders."  Smack.  Smack.  Smack.  Then she starts singing "Head, Shoulders, Knees and Toes" and wonders aloud how he participates in this song in his video.  "And where's his chin?"  Hmm.  

Wish us luck with our impromptu remodel and happy back to school to everyone!!

  

Boys of Summer

Before you cross the street,

Take my hand.

Life is what happens to you while you're busy making other plans.

Beautiful, beautiful, beautiful, beautiful boy.

~John Lennon

This is my oldest nephew holding little dude at a 4th of July parade.  My oldest nephew who was two-years-old, like, yesterday.  Blink and they grow up.  Into gorgeous young men on the inside and out.  You are basically looking at my world, not including the ten ones in between. 

Happy belated 4th of July!  

 

See more best shots at Melody's

When the Roll is Called Up Yonder

Well, there have been many silver linings since life exploded around here, and one of them is this great little church we found through my sister and her wonderful family.  I really can't say enough about it and how much it has helped the girls and I in our time of need.  This is Bee on our way there this morning.  She's way into her cowboy hat lately and wears it most everywhere.  That hat has been in our family since my oldest was only one year old and we went to the rodeo for the first time.  It's seen a lot of cow herdin' and two stepin' around here, and still stands up to a room full of three-year olds.  Stuff that works, gotta love that.  

See more Best Shots at Melody's as she takes over for Tracey for a couple weeks.  Check out her blog while you're there.  She's an amazing lady with an incredible family.

All I Really Want . . .

I know of no more encouraging fact than the unquestionalbe ability of man to elevate his life by a conscious endeavor.

~Thoreau

All I really want is some peace, man.

~Alanis Morrisette

In recently jumping back into the bloggy world, I began briefly frequenting some of my favorite old haunts and one of them has something called Theme Thursday.  I love stuff like this because it's so fun to see what others come up with (dangling prep, I know, I know).  I thought I'd jump back in for the fun of it . . . and also because this is a hobby you can keep between the hours of 11pm and 1am after the kids are all hopefully asleep. 

Her theme this week was "What I Want."  Easy enough.  As I sat bleary eyed at the computer looking to do a quick post at 10:30 at night, I found myself paralyzed by a tsunami of things and nothing at all.  What DO I want??  

The first obvious choice given my recent abrupt shove into single mother-ness is money.  Money is like an attorney, you mock it until you need it.  It's the biggest stress in my life right now as I aim to support three kids with a graduate degree in social work.  Oh, yeah!  And I'd also like to be present for them as much as possible.  Make lots of dough AND be with my kids.  Can I get an amen!!  It's a conundrum that occupies my thoughts much of the day.  

But beyond money, what else do I want??  

Peace was the second object of desire that elbowed its way forward.  But what the heck does that really mean?  What does it look like?  What does one DO to make it happen?  I'm looking for action verbs here.  And finding peace while the above money conundrum plays over and over in my mind is yet another conundrum.  But, I do know I want peace for myself and my kids.  A quiet knowing that everything is OK.  And even if it's not, it still is.  I'll go hunt down the manual for that one, and let you know what I find.    

Joy was the next model that sashayed down this runway.  But joy is just that right now, a beautiful supermodel that looks great up there but is totally out of reach.  The joy I experience now comes in small, pitiful kernels and is often artificially inflated to make my kids feel better.  It's hard to get to joy when hurt and fear are guarding the door.  And I miss it.  I'm so looking forward to the day when I laugh so hard I cry.  Right now I just do this weird, nervous, scrunched-up face laugh all the time so that I don't cry.   

Then the usual suspects marched forward and I waved to them familiarly.  A pedicure, a massage, a new wardrobe, a couple new camera lenses, Starbucks gift cards, and a boob lift.  Superficial stuff that makes me feel good on the surface and acts as easy targets for the sake of diversion.

Then I started thinking how short and uninspired this list really is.  Money, Peace, Joy, and a Massage?  Who doesn't want these things??  What makes me any different than anybody else??  I may as well say, "Food, Water, and Air" for how boilerplate these wants are.  

So then I realized I don't really know what I want beyond some vague and obvious list.  So I aim to find out.  As Glenda the Good Witch said, "You always had it inside you" now click those tacky shoes together and get out there and take what's yours!!  

I've had the blah's for the last fifteen years and now have the unusual opportunity at a second chance to make the life I truly want . . . if I can find a sitter . . . and figure out what it actually looks like.    

Theme Thursday turned into Mission Get A Life.  Thanks, Stacey.

What do you want?   

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What's a post without pictures?  A boring colorless rant.  So, here's a couple from the week.

I'll first start with a daily occurrence in our home.  My oldest child in some sort of quiet entrepreneurial pursuit during which she descends into a focus that takes her to her happy place.  And where I begin to notice several cabinets cleared out onto the floor and something being feverishly formed.  I love this about her, even though it causes messes that make me hyperventilate.  

Her latest passion is cat toys, and she actually came up with this one all on her own.  I thought it was pretty impressive.

 

That's a lollipop stick on a pen cap with craft feathers glued inside.  She showed up with this as I was nursing little man.  Here she is playing with Charlotte.  I think she's sooo cool:)  There's been a flurry of different ones made and the cats really like them.  

No other photos to share.  Taking them while holding a baby is tricky.  But, we start "Potty Training, Take 2" tomorrow with Bee.  We'll see how that goes . . . it maybe worth a click or two.  

Warrior Princess

It's summer, so the rules are by law relaxed.  If my kids want ice cream for dinner, the answer is quite possibly a "yes".  We might throw a hot dog in to balance it out.  Or not.  So when my 6-year old asked yesterday if she could "color her face" I struggled with my knee jerk "no" response as I honestly could not think of a reason she shouldn't.  A reason besides my fuddy duddy, "But it would make a GIANT MESS and the world would fall off it's axis!!!"  So, I said "OK" as long as it was just this once (I might add the reason she wanted to smear marker all over her precious visage was because she had learned at summer camp that the "Chinese did not have drama, they wore masks to convey their emotions."  Geesh, I learned how to make a pot holder at summer camp.)

So, here's the result, complete with Hank as roaring sidekick.  My Warrior Princess.    

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In other big news, and I mean BIG, Little Man is learning to sleep!  Oh, happy day!!  And he is so incredibly good to his Mommy.  His version of "crying it out" was ten minutes.  Yes . . . ten minutes, then "Oh well, nobody's coming, may as well fall asleep".  I adore him more and more each day.  I hit the moon every time he flashes his big smile at me.  He put on quite a show this evening for my oldest nephew.  I saw everything come full circle right in my sister's kitchen with the last little butter ball cousin smiling and laughing at the first one who is now pushing adulthood.  It was a brief, beautiful glimpse of the soul of the universe right next to the dinner dishes.    

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In other obvious news, I am completely aware that I have the most boring blog design ever not created.  As I peruse other's nifty addresses with all kinds of curb appeal and flair, I feel a bit deflated as I have no clue how to go about doing any of that stuff.  But, then I realized (or, decided to use as an excuse) that it's a reflection of my life at this moment . . . in skeletal form waiting to take shape.  I just have to do a little (a LOT) of research, soul searching, and litigating to see the form and design my life will take.  None of which is, by the way, being recorded here.  The soul searching and research, I mean.  It's too much, too soon, and too confusing.  And it is taking up the entire pie chart of my life.  The tiny sliver that can be projected onto this super highway seems awkward and at times a bit pitiful, but it's all I have to give right now.  A nice little diversion.

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Happy Birthday to my other nephew who I haven't even seen since he turned FOURTEEN last week because he's been off saving the world through mission trip and saving home plate through baseball.  I love him as much as a heart can hold.     

Buy One, Get Three Free

OK . . . First thing's first.  I try to submit a BSM each week to keep me clicking away.  Kind of like homework.  I have received "zero's" the last two weeks, so here's a few to up my average.  

My best shot this week would have to be of little man.  I should first say about this particular shot that it would have been impossible with the first two babies as I had a restraining order against them regarding my bed.  No baby allowed within ten feet.  Ever.  I had heard horror stories about babies that didn't sleep until college if they were allowed in bed with mom, so a strict boundary was set and kept.  

By the time little man came along, however, I frankly didn't care what happened beyond the particular moment in which we found ourselves.  All I wanted was my sleep and his happiness and we would deal with any future problems just there . . . in the future.  I stuck him in bed with me and we have been happily sleeping and dozing through night feedings ever since.  Sad to say, he might get the boot soon as we begin a regular sleep program because the current one has been blissfully carefree.  And I get to awaken to this every morning . . . hard to give up, I say.

See more best shots at Tracy's.

Okay, here's another one just because he's so darn cute.  

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The other news is that we awakened last Friday and, like zombies possessed, cancelled our plans, drove straight to the local animal shelter, and demanded they relinquish three animals into our care.  As if the newborn and the un-potty trained 3-year old were not enough.  "Why?" you ask.  "Sais pas" except to say that my oldest wanted one, I wanted Bee to have one, and if I make eye contact with any older dog in a shelter, it's comin' home with us.  Luckily, it was buy one kitty, get one free.  So, it is my pleasure to introduce . . .

 

Charlotte

Hank

And Patsy

Obviously, I need more pictures of Hank.  He's super cute.  All of them have adjusted beautifully and add much love and entertainment to our previously clean and pleasant smelling home.

Woo Hoo!!!!

Obama Wins Nomination!!

A Hat

This is what happens each morning when I ask Bee to go get her pull-up and put it on.  She runs from the room with great purpose, and returns like this.  Such a little comic . . . For more Best Shots this Monday, visit Tracy.

And a token one of little man.  I was snapping some shots and he had something to say.  I'm glad to see he's assertive with his words because he's gonna need to be to get a word in around here:)  I think he was asking to get out of the girlie basket and go to an Astros game.  

There is so much going on around here, but I haven't wrapped my mind around all of it yet.  When I do, I'll try to make sense of it here.  My kids and I are standing in the middle of the rubble that became our life.  This summer we will start re-building.  In our swimsuits . . . 

Beautiful Boy

Never been lonely,

Never been lied to,

Never had to scuffle in fear,

Nothing denied to.

Born at the instant,

The church bells chimed,

And the whole world whispering,

You're born at the right time.

~ Paul Simon

My beautiful boy.  No doubt born at the right time.  It's been a crazy ride these last nine months, but at the end of it, I got this.  Perfection.  My son.  My daughter's brother.  My kids and I travel the world now fused together by trials we didn't expect.  

Saint Mother Maria watch over us please,

As we wander around in this dangerous world.

~Lyle Lovett, South Texas Girl 

I hold him.  I nurse him.  I bathe him.  I talk to him.  I tell him everything is going to be alright.  I don't know exactly how, but I know we have each other, and we will all do our best.  And we will love and support each other.  Always.  No matter what.  Forever.

The sun is surely sinking down, 

But the moon is slowly rising,

So this old world must still be spinning around,

And I still love you.

So close your eyes,

You can close your eyes, it's alright.

~James Taylor  

My beautiful boy was sent here to shine in his own unique way.  But as I give and give to this little soul, I feel him renovating my broken heart.  

And a little child will lead them.

~Isaiah 11

For those of you who don't know, my marriage derailed shortly after I became pregnant, and could not, would not, be saved.  Like I said, a crazy ride.  I will stay mum on that subject here.  Don't want to talk about it, and really, who wants to hear it?  

I 'ain't casting stones,

I don't want apologies,

You can play around,

But don't you play around with me.

~Patti Scialfa

I remember starting this blog and wondering what I would talk about.  Now as a single mom of three young children, there's plenty to talk about but no time to do it.  It's nice to be back, though.  To the four people who read my blog . . .   

After the flood, all the colors came out.

~U2

First Day of Kindergarten

When you're soarin' through the air,
I'll be your solid ground,
Take every chance you dare,
I'll still be there,
When you come back down.

~Nickel Creek, When You Come Back Down

The first day of Kindergarten is here.  I have really been looking forward to this day since last year as I watched my girl in preschool idle in boredom even as we tried to fill the days.  She's so ready.  She's so capable.  She's in such good hands. 

Yet . . . here I sit.  In tears.  It's the idea that she will now spend the better part of her days elsewhere.  She's my little buddy, and I will miss her so very much.

Here's a few pics we snapped yesterday.  I will post the photos we took at her school later.  Silly girl . . .

I am watching my preschooler FADE before my very eyes.  And she's turning into a lovely little girl.

Awwwww . . .

She looks so little here in her very serious school uniform.  Is it too late to homeschool???

OK, not too serious:)

Happy first day of school!  Here's to a fabulous year!

I'll keep lookin' up, awaitin' your return,
My greatest fear will be that you will crash and burn,
And I won't feel your fire.
I'll be the other hand that always holds the line,
Connectin' in between your sweet heart and mine,
I'm strung out on that wire.

~Nickel Creek, When You Come Back Down